Terrible Two’s or Terrific Therapy?
There are so many wonderful ways to work collaboratively with toddlers - empowering them to grow self-mastery and independence skills while maintaining and supporting their mana or personal power
Whether you experience the Terrible Two’s or Terrific Therapy is really up to you…
Around the time children turn 16 months/two years we adults (parents or teachers) can notice a sudden change in the child – where previously we might have been living in collaborative bliss, we may now experience seemingly constant opposition.
It has been regularly noted from many sources the favourite word of the toddler is “No!” and in Montessori Philosophy we call this time “the crisis of self-affirmation”. It signifies the time in life where the child is beginning to understand they are separate from the adults around them. Before this time the child experienced, what we call, unity consciousness and now the understanding is dawning that they have their own personal power and they can exercise this personal power (sometimes to great effect!)
We tend to think of crises as negative experiences, but we should keep in mind that with every crisis there comes an opportunity.
Alexander Bell famously said “When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” [
As adults we can react in a variety of ways that lead to more or less positives outcomes, however there is an incredible opportunity awaiting you within the child’s self-affirmation crisis if you are open to it.
“Until the adults consciously face their errors and correct them, they will find themselves in a forest of insoluble problems. And children becoming in their turn adult, will be victims of the same error, which they will transmit from generation to generation.” [ii]
In my opinion, after over twenty years’ working alongside children, Two-year-olds are truly gifted. If you spend time with any two-year-old they will quickly help you discover any personal issues that you have carried through from your own childhood. It is true this experience can be terrible for you, but it is not fair to call the child who is helping you to evolve your own consciousness “a terrible two”. If we are open to the gift that two-year-olds bring us, this can be a phenomenal opportunity in your life for your own healing. We all carry with us “buttons” and with absolute clarity two-year-olds will know exactly what button to press to get the most impressive reactions from us.
While this can be frightening for us, especially if we carry default behaviours of anger, I have discovered that if we turn up every day with a mindset for learning and growth, we can begin to reflect daily on the things that brought us discomfort. Through keeping an observation notebook (including your own feelings/reactions regarding situations as well as what is happening for children) you can regularly ask yourself questions like “What didn’t go well today?” “What would I want to do better tomorrow?” “Where did that feeling/reaction come from?” “How can I grow from this?” (remember to also notice the things that are working too and be kind to yourself in this process.)
After some time of practising reflecting on this discomfort it becomes part of your natural process, you find answers that help you make different choices, you understand your life from different angles and if you’ve been doing it for long enough, and this is truly the gift that living with two-year-olds brings, you may find you become able to reflect in the moment. Your nightly reflections become true plans of action, your responses become conscious choices and little by little you are able to bring into the world just what it was that you needed as a child. In this process we are not only healing ourselves but we bring about a tremendous gift to humanity - the injustices we suffered become our rallying points. We advocate strongly because we’ve been in that place and we have learned there is another way. With kindness and gentleness, little by little, every day we become agents for change.
“The child is both a hope and a promise for mankind.” Maria Montessori*
Practical Help for the Self Affirmation Crisis
The adult should prepare the environment and give two choices wherever possible.
Remember when you're giving these choices to think about whether you can follow through.
Easy areas to begin with giving choices would be around clothing and food.
We can show respect when we offer the choices, speak with kindness and demonstrate grace and courtesy.
When there is no possibility of a choice then you need to be firm (this can also be kind). Inform the child this is the way it's going to happen e.g. “your job is to put on the shoes, it is my job to tie the laces” and then you must follow through.
Giving choices teaches us to think before we speak e.g. do you want the oatmeal or the egg? The child also needs to think to give the answer they mean (we also need to think to give two choices we can follow through on).
Our wonderful mentor Pennie Brownlee reminds us that “While she is learning how to handle her personal power, the way you handle her will decide which one of two power dynamics will become her “relationship template”.*
At Aroha Nui Montessori and Beyond our Piccolo classes are specifically created to give you a strong foundation in building a collaborative relationship with your child from the beginning. The learning continues on as a theme throughout our further classes assisting and guiding you where you are recognising patterns from your own childhood. Growth and change can definitely feel hard and we offer a supportive environment that holds you safely as you challenge your own inner patterns of being and doing.
Aroha Nui
Carli
Maria Montessori, The Child in the Family, chapter 11, pg. 7
Maria Montessori, Education and Peace,
Pennie Brownlee, Dance with me in the heart, p.97